Vilken typ av respons är du ute efter, hur detaljerad o.s.v.? Bara generellt eller mer ingående?

#1

Gärna så ingående som man orkar, önskar gärna ärliga tankar. om det är nått som man tycker att jag ska ändra eller om det är nått man tycker är extra bra.

#0: Nu är ordningen på min kritik inte ideal. Men men.

Oj, jag tycker läsningen känns lite tung. Alltså meningarna flyter inte riktigt för mig, och då brukar jag ändå enbart läsa på engelska och dessutom dystopier. Men jag har ibland samma problem och tycker att det kan hjälpa att lägga det man skrivit åt sidan några dagar för att sedan ta sig tiden att läsa det hela.

I sig gillar jag verkligen detaljerna du har valt att betona och gå in på. Det är ett underbart fokus. Men jag tror du kan apassa språket lite för att bli snäppet behagligare och för att förstärka effekten. För världen du sakta bygger upp där och stämningen du skapat är härlig.

Sedan noterar jag att du byter tidsform mitt i? Är det avsiktligt?
Jag har svårt för böcker i nutid. Jag tycker det bidrar till att det känns som om man snubblar igenom meningarna. Egentligen från och med punkten där tidsformen byts så känns det genast lite lättare att läsa. Visst, man bör fortfarande överarbeta vissa formuleringar, men så är det nog ändå alltid med den första versionen, framförallt när språket inte är ens modersmål.

Jag tycker absolut att du ska fortsätta! Som sagt så gillar jag detaljerna du valt att bygga in. Redan denna "korta" snutt skapar en massa frågor man vill ha svar på. Man vill att det ska fortsätta.

Ett tips är att leta reda på någon med engelska som modersmål och helst lite kunskap kring språket bara för att få lite stöd med formuleringarna. Men det kan man även göra mycket senare i skrivandet!

Hoppas du väljer att skriva vidare och kanske till och med dela det hela här? Vore kul att se hur världen växer och att få lära sig om den för barke ny del du skriver, samt att få veta vad som ska ske.

Tack så jätte mycket för feedbacken.
Håller helt med om meningarna, jag är dyslexiker så har svårt med uppbyggnad i vanliga fall men brukar gå tillbaka lite då och då för att se om jag kan förbättra de. min kompis har även läst igenom för att hjälpa till lite med menings uppbyggnaderna.

Har inte ens tänkt på att jag bytt tids form får kolla på de.

Ska läsa igenom första kapitlet igen och sen ska jag skriva klart kapitel två så kan jag lägga upp dom här.

Tack igen för feedbacken. Om det nått mer du tänker/ kommer på får du gärna skriva de

Nu är kapitel 1 typ klart. tror jag ändrat tidsformen.
Kommer skriva till mer efter som. Men det här är iallafall ett första utkast.

I walked down the streets of Daermith, admiring the glittering lanterns. Even then, when the sun was low, the lights were on, as if the people there feared the dark so much they had to drown their existence in light. In the cobbled streets, children laughed, merchants sang their greetings, and banners of gold rippled in the breeze. To everyone else, it was paradise.
To me, it was suffocating.
I walked among them like a shadow stitched into a tapestry of light, my black hair catching stares I had learned to ignore, my blue eyes marking me as different. They smiled at me, but it was the kind of smile that never reached their eyes, as though they sensed I did not belong and were too polite to say it aloud. I knew they had to smile, they knew they had to smile. They were just being nice. I was the only one in my class who had not found my dragon.
I paused at a stall where a merchant was selling intricately crafted dragon figurines, each one more beautiful than the last. They shimmered in the light, their scales painted in vibrant hues of gold and silver. I reached out to touch one, feeling the coolness of the metal beneath my fingers, and for a fleeting moment, I imagined what it would be like to have a dragon of my own. One that would soar through the skies with me, a companion in a world that felt so foreign.
Sometimes I wondered if I ever would. Not everyone found their dragon, but me being the general and commander's daughter, I was expected to. Sure, there were people who waited for years just to feel their dragon being close, to start dreaming of the light and happiness of their dragon, and then start to hear them during the day as the dragon slowly appeared to see if it had made the right choice. I, however, had been dreaming, but never about happiness. My dreams consisted of darkness and fear. Constant, gnawing fears that lingered even when I was awake.
I kept walking to the path near the school's training ground when Liora ran up to me. “Did you hear who just got their ass kicked?” she said with humor in her eyes.
“No, but considering those eyes I'm sure it’s Tavin. Who did he annoy to get beaten today?” I answered, laughing at her enjoying our friend's pain.
“Actually he was helping you. Bayle Gallant was talking shit again and he snapped.” She paused. “Actually snapped, I have never seen him so mad.”
I raised an eyebrow, intrigued despite being annoyed that he had to help me. Tavin's temper was usually as reliable as the rise of the sun, a brief flare followed by a sheepish apology. “Bayle must’ve really pushed his buttons this time,” I replied, shaking my head. “Did he at least get a good hit in before making himself a fool?”
Liora laughed, a bright sound that made me stop thinking about the dreams for a moment. “Oh, he landed a couple solid punches before the instructors pulled them apart. You should have seen the look on Bayle's face; he couldn't believe someone actually stood up to him!”
We continued walking, weaving through the crowd as Liora animatedly recounted the rest of the scuffle. I appreciated her ability to lighten the mood, but a part of me remained distant, still caught up in my own thoughts.
As we approached the training ground, the excitement from earlier began to fade into a more familiar ache within me. Liora seemed to sense my shift in mood, her laughter dwindling as she glanced at me with concern. “Hey,” she said softly, her voice going gentle as if she were handling something fragile. “You okay? You seem… off.”
“Yeah, just that… I just… I can't…” Just what, Adora? You couldn't sleep, couldn't eat just because of the dreams that you should be ecstatic to have but instead were terrified of? I took a deep, shaky breath, my finger fidgeting with the hem of my shirt as I glanced at Liora. “The dreams have started, Liora,” I whispered.
“WHAT?” She screamed with excitement. “That's so exciting… Why don't you look like it's exciting?” She looked like she was about to explode. “Please tell me it's as exciting for you as it is for me?” she rambled out.
I felt my heart race at Liora's reaction, her enthusiasm a stark contrast to the turmoil swirling inside me. “I wish I could feel that way,” I admitted, rubbing my temples as if I could massage away the fear. “It’s just… complicated.”
Liora’s eyes sparkled with anticipation, and she leaned in closer, her excitement palpable. “Complicated how? Are they vivid? Do you remember everything? What are they about?”
I took another shaky breath, trying to gather my thoughts. “They’re vivid alright, almost too real. But instead of feeling ecstatic like I thought I would, I’m scared, Liora. They feel more like warnings than adventures.” Her expression shifted slightly, concern creeping in beneath her excitement. “Warnings? About what?” I stopped to think about what to say next. “I see darkness. Complete darkness, and I can't escape it. And I feel terrified, not of the darkness but about the thing in the dark. It whispers to me. But at the same time, I feel like I am the safest I have ever been.”
She looked concerned. “Maybe you should talk to General Dorin and Commander Mariel. Maybe they can help. Or at least try to help. I'm still trying to understand the whole dragon thing, and Kayda isn't helping at all. Won't even let me get close enough to get on her; she says I'm too impatient and will break her glorious scales.” She tried to lighten the mood a bit. Liora had found her orange dragon Kayda a month ago and was very irritated that she didn’t let her fly yet. But she did find out that she could wield the wind and did everything to remind me of that.
Speaking of Kayda, she was standing in the middle of the grass field, looking terribly annoyed at Tavin's green dragon Fanglir and Kael's light blue dragon Azure, who kept nipping at her tail. “She has some patience, that dragon of yours,” I said and laughed a bit.
The boys’ dragons were the spitting image of them, as annoying but also as kind and protective.
“Yeah, I wish I had even half of that patience. Just hearing Tavin's voice was annoying enough for me to want to let Kayda melt my ears off,” she paused. “But seriously, talk to your parents. I don’t want you to be afraid of your dreams.”
“HEY, I HEARD THAT,” Tavin yelled as he ran towards us from the dragons fighting on the field. Annoyingly, he could hear EVERYTHING, the wonderful gift his dragon gave him. Tavin skidded to a stop in front of us, his green dragon Fanglir circling above, snapping playfully at Kael’s light blue Azure.
He threw his hands up in mock exasperation. “I heard what Liora was saying, you're scared of your dreams, huh?” His grin faltered just a fraction. “Scared, really? That doesn’t sound like you. You're always so… Not scared.” I hesitated, unsure what to say. Usually I’d deflect, make a joke, hide the fear. But something about Tavin’s tone, half teasing, half genuine curiosity, made me pause.
“It’s… complicated,” I admitted, shrugging. “They’re vivid, too real. And not the kind of dreams anyone would be happy about. They… frighten me.”
Tavin’s eyes narrowed, but not in judgment. He leaned closer, lowering his voice.
“You know, dragons aren’t just about flying or fire. They see things… They choose their rider carefully. If your dragon hasn’t found you yet, maybe it’s waiting for something. Waiting for the right moment.” I studied him, unsure whether to be annoyed by his unsolicited advice or grateful.
“And what if that moment never comes?”
He shrugged, eyes glinting mischievously. “Then you make it come. That’s what I’d do.” Fanglir let out a sharp call, wings beating the air, and Tavin sighed. “And now he’s telling me to hurry up before he loses patience. Dragons, huh?” He smirked at me. “But seriously, don’t let the dreams scare you. They mean something. They’re… warnings. But also guidance. You’ll see.”
I wanted to believe him. I really did. And for a brief moment, amidst the chaos of dragons and laughter, I felt a flicker of hope. Maybe I wasn’t as alone as I thought.
Liora tugged at my sleeve, pulling me closer to the edge of the training ground. “Come on, you have to watch! Even if Kayda won’t let me ride her yet, we can still see how the others train.” I nodded, trying to focus on the dragons instead of the gnawing weight of my dreams. The field was alive with motion green, blue, and gold dragons swooping and circling, their riders calling commands and laughing, practicing aerial maneuvers with skillful precision.
Most of them seemed at ease, but one dragon caught my attention. A light blue dragon, with eyes that flickered like embers. It was Azure, Kael’s dragon, nipping playfully at the others at first, but then I noticed a shift. His movements grew twitchy, almost too deliberate, and its head kept tilting toward the far edge of the mountains. Its wings twitched as if reacting to something unseen.
Kael shouted a command, trying to guide Azure back into formation, but the dragon resisted, letting out a low, rattling growl that sent a shiver down my spine. I could see the muscles tensing under its scales, its tail lashing with sudden force. No one seemed to notice, or if they did, they didn’t mention it, but I felt it. Something was there, something watching, something just beyond the edge of perception.
I clenched my hands together, wishing I could do more than watch. Liora nudged me, snapping me out of my thoughts. “See? Isn’t it incredible? You’re going to have your own one day, and it’ll be amazing.” I forced a smile, but my eyes kept drifting back to the blue dragon, to the restless energy that didn’t belong to the field, to the way the wind seemed to shift around it. I didn’t know what it meant. I just knew that something was coming.
I stayed at the edge of the training ground, my hands gripping the railing as dragons twisted and turned overhead. Liora’s voice bubbled with excitement beside me, but I barely heard her. My gaze kept returning to the blue dragon, to its tense muscles and flickering amber eyes. It moved with purpose now, every swoop and dive more precise, yet cautious, as if sensing something beyond the mountains. Kael barked commands, but the dragon’s attention kept straying, its tail flicking violently with frustration. Even from this distance, I could feel the ripple of unease it carried, like a shadow brushing against my skin.
“Do you feel that?” I whispered to Liora, though I wasn’t sure she could. She tilted her head, smiling, unaware. “Feel what?” …“The… tension. Azure. He's not just restless, he's watching something.” Liora shrugged, leaning on the railing. “Dragons are strange sometimes. Maybe it’s just Kael being too harsh.” She smiled at me, trying to lighten the moment. “One day, your dragon will let you feel things like this, too. You’ll see.”
I forced a nod, but my chest tightened. I wanted to believe her, but my dreams had taught me caution. The darkness I had seen there wasn’t imaginary. It whispered, it waited, and now, even the dragons seemed to sense it.
Fanglir swooped too close to Azure, letting out a sharp cry. Both dragons froze midair, wings trembling slightly, and then, almost simultaneously, their gazes turned toward the distant mountains. I held my breath, my heart pounding. Something had caught their attention, something unseen.
Tavin and Kael trainers shouted, but the dragons barely responded, their instincts overriding commands. I could feel a shiver run down my spine, the same shiver that had come with my dreams. And for the first time, I felt a tiny flicker of… recognition, as if whatever was out there had noticed me as well. I clenched my fists, knowing I could do nothing but watch.
Yet a small, unyielding part of me wanted to move forward, to confront whatever was coming. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew my life was about to change. Somehow.
Then, just as Kael wrestled Azure back under control, another sound cut through the air. A gray dragon at the far end of the field froze midstep, its wings halfextended. Slowly, it lifted its head toward the mountains. A low, unearthly growl rumbled from its chest, so deep it seemed to vibrate in my bones. The sound silenced the field.
Even the other dragons stilled, their eyes snapping toward the horizon as if they too felt it. For a moment, no one moved. No one but me. My breath caught, because I knew that sound. Not from this world, not from this field, from my dreams.
The gray dragon’s gaze locked on something beyond the peaks, something I couldn’t see. But in my mind, the image was clear: the silhouette from my nightmares, the whispering shape hidden in the dark. I gripped the railing harder, my knuckles white, as a cold certainty filled me. The shadows weren’t just in my head. They were here. And they were coming closer.

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